BUILDING MYSELF, BRICK BY BRICK.

    

|| Entry 04, Day 139 ||

Woke up this morning with Lizzo’s Good as Hell playing in my head, and for the first time in a long while, the lyrics felt different—fresh, even. Maybe it’s because I’m finally beginning to feel like a brand-new person.

Five years ago, I stepped into the world as an independent adult, and those years have been nothing short of transformative—equal parts laughter, struggle, and growth. At times, I questioned everything, even the value of living itself. Sure, I had good people around me—my family, my hobbies, and a handful of friends—but there were moments when I wondered: Was that really enough?

In those five years, I’ve faced myself more than I ever thought I would. I worked to embrace the insecurities that once felt insurmountable and slowly started building back the life I thought I’d lost somewhere in the chaos of growing up. Puberty threw me into a storm I wasn’t prepared for, and finishing senior year felt like slipping into oblivion. For a while, it really did feel like I was all alone.

And life didn’t go easy on me. I’ve been to jail twice—briefly, thankfully—accused of things I did and didn’t do. I was diagnosed with a psychological disorder that I still manage with medication to stay balanced in a world that often feels overwhelming. And honestly, I’ve spent far too much time neglecting myself while trying to hold others together.

But here’s the thing: through all of it, I’ve fought to keep my head above.  I’ve held on to this tiny but persistent spark of positive energy, even when it felt like the world wanted to snuff it out.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: You are your own cheerleader. People can support you, and some will even hold you up when you’re too tired to stand—but ultimately, you’ve got to want it for yourself. You’ve got to find the strength to get what you need, even if the world seems unwilling to give it to you.

And I couldn’t reflect on all of this without mentioning my mum. Everyone thanks their mum when they’ve made it through something tough, right? But let me tell you, my mum has been the foundation of my life for all of these twenty-three years. Her love and guidance have shaped me, and even when I’ve felt lost, she’s been the steady presence pulling me back to myself.

To my dad, the man who’s kept our family moving forward: I see you. Behind that tough exterior, I know there’s a vulnerable, tender-hearted man who’s sacrificed more than he lets on. I love you, and I’m grateful for the example you’ve set, even in the moments when words fell short.

This isn’t an end-of-year reflection or some kind of New Year’s resolution. It’s just me, pausing for a moment to look back at the journey so far. There’s so much I’ve left out—pieces that feel too raw or too personal to share—but what I do want to say is that I’ve come a long way. I’ve made every major decision in my life for myself, and I’m proud to say that things are finally coming together.

I’m not sharing this for sympathy. I’m sharing it to remind myself—and maybe you, too—that growth is messy, but it’s also beautiful. Life doesn’t wait for you to be ready, but if you lean into it, you just might surprise yourself with how far you can go.

    — WILLIAMS, FA’AWAZ KENDALL💌 ♡